I'm alive!!!

barely...Have had the worst flu for a week now :( haven't been properly ill since Jan so it hit me hard!! Least I've got it out of the way early this year yay! My little town is a bit weird today...I just popped to the post office and the butcher and everyone is sooo miserable! Even the weather is just depressing all rainy and dark, the front page of our newspaper said something about Trowbridge being a ghost town, I got all excited because I love ghosts but its actually about everyone loosing their jobs and no one has any money etc...lovely. So I am sat at my desk eating dairylea lunchables and slurping ribena (cos I instantly turn into a kid when I'm ill) and feeling really down :( if anyone wants to send me happy things that would be appreciated :D 

Rant + Near death experience!!

Unfortunately, when me and Sam walk to work we are surrounded by school and college kids. The girls with their croyden face lifts and pink pyjamas and the boys in their white shell suits with their hands in their bloody pants!!! Just gross! It should be illegal, next time I see them I will report them to the police saying they are outside the school staring at the kids fondling their bits! Oh and the other thing, walking down the street blaring out their crap chav music! No one wants to hear that rubbish, I'm pretty sure your £30 Samsung came with a pair of headphones so bloody use them! ARGHHH and a stupid bus ran a red light this morning just as I stepped into the road, my life flashed before my eyes I swear. I hate this grotty little town, one day we will move away to a nice quiet village where we won't be surrounded by thieving, car crashing Polish people and we won't get burgled! Chav's will only be a rumour of evil in a far off world, and I can have lots of Pugs and Chickens in the garden :) heaven. If I achieve that at some point in my life I will be truly happy :). Peace out folks, remember to call the cops on those willy fiddling teenagers! :p 

Mid-Mid-life crisis, zombies and spiders

Good Morning all, sorry about no posts recently, I'd like to say I've been too busy but that would be a lie. The truthful reason is busy playing warcraft :P.


Yesterday was a bad day...something twigged yesterday, after being at my new job for 27 days now I've probably worked about 5 days and the rest I've had nothing to do. Sounds sweet doesn't it? Well that's what I thought but its starting to wear on me now and I am actually feeling quite depressed. I've had to stop taking holiday as I've noticed I've already taken 3 days off, and that's not good! So after spending nearly 3k on my web design course I'm deciding this may not be the right thing for me. Or it could be! I don't know I'm stuck here doing marketing things I have no clue about and the people running this business definitely have no clue about. So it's just shit really, if they knew what they wanted to do and what they wanted from me this would be a nicer job but its basically get on with it. Get on with what?!....Exactly. So feeling frustrated and down and basically want to get out, but I'm going to stick it for 6 months at least I guess I owe them that much. 


Sooo last night. I woke up at 3am by the sensation of something on my face...it could have been a hair, it could have been the duvet but in my heart of hearts I knew it was an effing gurt spider. I was up in a shot frantically brushing my face off, then went to the toilet to pee...I swear I felt a spider web on my face...So I got back into bed after searching with the dim light from my phone for giant, black, many-legged, beasts of evil, no sign...got away with it Mr Spider...this time. After that I had what can only be described as a freaking epic zombie dream. Basically, I think I was going to catch a train/plane (some sort of transport) and everyone was moving through these big glass tubes, like a covered shopping centre. We all saw the air outside turn misty and the people outside started to turn into the blood spewing zombies from 28 days/weeks later. So then the running commenced. The tubes were like a maze and we kept running from these zombies, until we thought we were safe...the glass above us started to crack and this misty air got in turning more people to zombies, so we ran and ran some more. I actually remember thinking in my dream "if this was a movie these actors would have to be bloody fit" haha! It was quite a long dream so in a nutshell, me and some other survivors decided to fight back. We ventured outside when we could see the mist had gone and calculated a cunning plan to kill these zombies. We snuck up on them but they escaped, the ambush site was a big house with a swimming pool so we all got in the pool...dunno why, seems the last thing you would want to do with zombies about. We all started to talk about the people who we left behind etc and then I woke up! There was an amphibious car in there somewhere but I have no idea where haha can you tell I'm a gamer?


Hope that made for an interesting if weird read, I'm going back to making stuff up to do...but at least I have a Stephen King audio book to listen to today so shouldn't go to insane ciao! 

I had a nightmare....

O.O...I never have nightmares (even though all I read is horror books and all I watch is horror films :P), but I had a cracker last night. So I was in town with Sam (bf) and we were all happy hugging, holding hands etc, we kissed goodbye and he went to work and I went off to do some shopping. For some reason next thing I know I'm in the multi-storey car park and it is full with all the people I went to school with and people that used to be my friends but aren't any more. I'm stood in the centre of this massive group of people and they are all saying the most horrible things to me, basically all the things I hate about myself but coming from them. I try to argue back but it's like they can't hear me, they told me that Sam hates me and post's twitter updates about it all the time and then one boy who was in my class Matthew Bonser said "urgh I though you would have changed your face by now" so I said in tears "I didn't think there was anything wrong with my face" so I pushed past them all and ran nearly all the way home crying. When I was nearly home I checked my twitter and saw Sam had put something on there under the category "my girlfriend is a bitch" (don't even think Twitter has categories but did in my dream lol). So I couldn't go home as there would be no comfort there and I never felt so alone then I woke up...


And that horrible feeling has stayed with me all morning! Really wasn't a nice dream :(. On a better note my puppy seems to be doing much better, even sometimes putting a bit of weight on his bad leg which is excellent so proud of him :). Back to the vets for a check-up tomorrow and here's some pics of him looking sorry for himself. 

Today is the day..

Took Hogan in for his Surgery consultation today, and turns out he's having it done today!!! Panic! If you haven't bothered to read back in my blogs (and I don't blame you) my pug has hip dysplasia and has to have some form of surgery. 


So we went over to Devizes this morning and saw a lovely Surgeon called Ian, he told us there were 3 options : hip replacement, pin the joint together or remove the top of his leg bone. The first 2 would cost us a lovely sum of £4000!!! So we went for number 3 as he said it would be fine for a dog his size and is a lot cheaper! So left my baby and now home trying to get more time of work to look after him. Will receive a call from Ian at around 3pm so will update then unless I've chewed my fingers off by then :p


***UPDATE***


My puppy is fine all went well :) the surgeon even said that he didn't thing it was dysplasia so we won't have an issue with the right one in future! Good stuff! My poor little guy is just sleeping it off we will be leaving to get him in 20 mins, have missed him sooo much!! 

Chicken and Rage

Evening everyone, hope you all had a great weekend! Mine was uneventful as always so didn't really have anything to update with really, so I'll just bore you with my usual drivel.


I had a sketchy dream last night though. I was stood outside my grans old house and someone stabbed me! So as I led bleeding in the road I called 999, and the cheeky bloke on the other end of the phone asked if it was something I could fix myself haha I was like um no...dying here! The weird thing is, is that I don't remember who stabbed me, one moment I was fine and the next moment I had a hole in my side haha. So the ambulance came and took me to the hospital, where no one seemed to care that I was bleeding everywhere and dying, had to ask loads of times for some pain relied...bloody NHS these days :p.


I should probably get someone to tell me what my dreams mean, it probably means that I'm deeply disturbed or insane..or both :D.


So I just spent basically my whole day making an amazing roast (not like it was appreciated)which was really nice :) but now I've looked at the time and realised that Sunday is nearly over :( and I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. If things don't look up in 6 months there will be a lot of change...

size 6 here I come...

So after failing at numerous diets, including slimming world, no bread diet etc I'm going back to the one that works. Paul Mckenna's I can make you thin. I did this "diet" a few years back and the pounds just melted off, but I basically stopped it due to laziness I think, so back on it!! It's really fun to do you just need to follow the 4 rules:


1. When you are hungry, eat
2. Eat what you want, not what you think you should
3. Eat consciously, and enjoy every mouthful
4. When you think you are full, stop eating


Simple eh? It is but it's easy to fall off the wagon, so I'm going to try it for the next 3 weeks and carry on with Curves for the next 3 weeks and I won't weigh myself til my last Curves session, and hopefully at least 7lbs will have vanished :) wish me luck!  

URGHHHH :(

Feel like this today....




I just don't understand!!! I always used to be soo skinny and a few years back I did indeed balloon to look like the above. But I worked really hard and got down to 8st 6, but I still wanted to be thinner...now I wish I was that weight again. I am now 9st 6 and I have no idea why :(. I'm eating healthier than I have in years, I'm doing more exercise than I ever have but I'm just not loosing the weight. So I though ah, its because I'm putting on muscle but no! Weighed in at curves last week lost quarter of inch of arms, thighs and waist but body fat went up 2%, I mean what the frick! 


Actually getting really down about this, just feel fat and frumpy no matter what I'm wearing, and the only thing I can think of to do is just to stop eating! And I won't because that slows down your metabolism and has the opposite effect *sigh*. This is freaking bull shit, I wish I had a device that fits on like a glove, then you pass it over your body and it kind of sluices away excess fat. Would leave a nasty mess on the floor but you would look stunning!! Would make me a rich person as well...


Only thing I can think of to do now (other than trying to invent the above) is to go cold turkey with the junk food....that's right no more takeaways, coke, crisps, chocolate - or anything tasty until I have finished my 6 weeks at Curves. If I haven't lost half a stone and literal inches in the next 3 weeks I will just jump off a bridge. Pray for me. 

Serious note today

I fully intended to come into work and tell you all about my strange dream but it completely left my head when I saw this..  http://www.thisis50.com/profiles/blog/show?id=784568%3ABlogP
ost%3A21600403&commentId=784568%3AComment%3A21607226&xg_source=activity 

This has to be the worst thing I have ever seen. These poor young puppies being thrown into the river by a girl that can only be described as sadistic, they are crying for their mother and she carries on throwing them...All I can think of is how they must feel when they hit that water, my heart is actually hurting.

They haven't found this bitch yet but when they do there will not be a severe enough punishment for her, its scary how many of these disgusting acts on animals are coming to the surface since the cat in bin fiasco. I urge you all if you see anything like this please report it to the RSPCA or the Police. I'm disgusted that there are people like this out there and that are the same species as me.

If you have a puppy please give him/her a big cuddle and a kiss, they are lucky to have someone like you :)  

Morning :D

I'm so happy because I am on holiday today :D so I'm going to chill at my PC with my pup all day and play warcraft-because I'm cool like that :p. My phone battery has died but I wish I could take a picture of my hair this morning because it is crrrraaazzzyyy! I think it was due to my dream last night...So I dreamt that I was in the desert with David Attenborough looking for animals and I found this animal that was half bird half bear and it was really nice and cuddly. So I found it and David got in a piss and wouldn't talk to me. So we got in the helicopter back to civilization and I got all the fame and glory for finding bird/bear thing :) haha take that David! Soo strange. Right time for breakfast, grapefruit and green tea...can you sense the joy? O.o thanks for visiting guys! 

Drank all the beer in the world last night....

Hungover. This is why I don't drink much...with the exception of last night 6 bottles of Corona, 4 bottles of Becks, 1 can of Carlsberg and 3 Jaeger Bombs + one insanely hot curry = drunk screeching and giggling, copious amounts of chain smoking, dancing like a loon, laughing at a guy in a club who looked like Emperor Ming from Flash Gordon, going to the park with a crate of Carlsberg and playing on the swings until the police kicked us out, and then walking home bare foot :). All in all bloody fantastic night :) 

*jess makes zombie noises*

mmmnnnnhhhrrrrgggahhhhrrrr thats how I feel this morning. Not much to report no dreams that were interesting kind of the dream equivalent of watching paint dry. So sat at work with rain hammering down feeling depressed because rain does that to you. If something more exciting happens throughout the day I'll make another post but I will leave you with 1) I'm going out to get trashed with new work people tomorrow so that will be a funny story to tell :) 2) I'm going to see the epitomy of awesomeness Laura on Sunday and that will definitely be a funny story to tell and finally 3) here's some example words from yesterday of what I type when I'm actually looking at funny stuff on the internet but want my manager to think I'm doing something:-


hello smelly lego bricks are tasty breathalyser tantalizing cake


Masterpiece isn't it? Peace out!


***UPDATE 12.07***


oh god I'm bored so I am writing more insane nonsense to make out I'm doing something, the last thing was hairy Magmore...what the hell is a Magmore? So I decided to make one, enjoy!

One night of uninterrupted sleep would be nice...

First off last nights weird dream before I forget it :P so I am in the shopping centre in town in Claire's accessories looking at buying a new bag, when I look out the window there's loads of other shoppers racing to get to the doors and screaming, so I walk slowly to the door and a little old woman dressed in white with long white hair goes to me "aren't you going to get out?", she walks off and I'm left there puzzled, I walk out of the door and I can feel something coming, I start to run and it starts to chase me I look behind me and it looks like wind (don't know how but it did lol), I rush through the doors to get outside and manage to just about escape it. Next thing I know I'm on my way to Cardiff to go party with one of mine and my boyfriend's friends Bear, we get their and the party is going good I go to get another drink and walk into the living room and no one is there...then the same old woman walks by me and says once again "aren't you going to get out?" this time I waste no time and start running through rooms climbing over bunk beds (no idea why bunk beds), crawling through vents trying to get out and all this time this weird invisible scary wind thing is after me...and I can't remember anything else, I kinda remember a talking mouse but have no idea how it fits in lol

So I went to sleep pretty early last night was shattered after work then the gym, my puppy fell asleep curled against my stomach all hunky dory. 

1st rude awakening: about 2 am puppy is barking madly at some drunken chavs outside my window, I sleepily stagger to the open window and go to shut it...whilst doing this one of the spiny things in our blind pierces savagely into my temple and has left me with a HUGE wound, please see below.

2nd rude awakening: about 3.30am hear unmistakeable sounds of puppy about to throw up next to my face...pick up puppy and drop onto the floor, hear him yack onto the floor, quickly pick him back up so he doesn't eat his own puke, both go back to sleep thinking Sam will clean it up in the morning :P

3rd Rude awakening: about 4am puppy starts snoring so I stop him the same way I stop Sam, elbow to the ribs puppy shuts up 

4th rude awakening: 5am puppy starts dreaming whilst flat on his back making sounds like a zebra..

7.30 have to wake up....shower, breakfast, and here I am sat at work feeling like this...

Morning Weirdness

So I have messed up dreams...which I tend to always remember as soon as I wake up so I'm doing an early blog so I can do this one justice :). So in my dream I'm looking after my satanistic half brother Jack. Satanistic why you ask? Well many things but when I had a broken foot he deliberately stamped with both feet on it...likes to call me fat ass or fat bitch and likes to tell my mum that his dad will kill her...so lovely child as I was saying...I was looking after him and being the good sister I am I decided to take him swimming but being satanistic Jack he was too much hard work but a nice life guard said he will look out for him if I want to go home...so I did haha obviously in my dream it is totally normal to leave a child with a strange man who could be a paedophile...anyyywayyy I walk home and then start chilling out with my friend Laura - who is the epitomy of awesomness and will be a big feature in my blogs :p - when suddenly a car pulled up outside which was full of my mum and her family (all psychopaths who I don't speak to any more so have no idea why I dreamed about them!) they were shouting at me to come out but me and Laura hid hahaha but then my mum just came through the door! Laura didn't bloody lock it did she lol then I woke up...so thanks Laura you could have killed or maimed me in my dream :P 


When I have strange dreams I tend to be in a weird haze in the mornings so I got up had my shower, let the Pug out and made us both breakfast. I was watching Hogan as he was eating his smelly food realising that's why his breath stank so bad, the trouble is you can only get dog toothpaste that tastes like chicken or something else that doesn't smell good. So I decided if I made dog toothpaste I would make a chocolate mint flavoured toothpaste so the dogs breath would be nice and fresh but they would also like it in their mouths...but then I decided I wanted chocolate mint toothpaste and wondered why nobody had invented this before! By then my Special K has done its magic and I wake up out of my strange haze, but as I'm sat at my desk at work I still think I'm on to a winner with this toothpaste thing, Dragon's Den here I come!!! :D

So it begins...

I wanted to start a blog for the main reasons for creative outlet, leaving a little bit of myself on the internest web, one step closer to immortality! But a strange thought occurred to me the other day..I have recently started a new job this is my 3rd week as an iMedia Telemarketing Executive for a web design (amongst other things) company and I still have no freaking clue what I'm doing, and I started to invent new ways of looking like I'm doing something when I'm actually reading Lamebook or playing games, I'm sure I will post about these soon. And I thought to myself "damn I'm weird and crazy, I think I should document this", so here I am, nobody probably wants to read any of this but I'm hoping I will be funny enough to at least make you smile once in a while :)


So introductions I'm Jess and I live with my boyfriend, our friend Tom and my wonderfully retarded Pug Hogan, most of my posts will be about him because he is simply hilarious and everyone wants to hear about cute retarded animals :). But on a serious note my pup has Hip Dysplasia and has to be on lots of meds, has to go to hydro etc he's only 9 months so it's a little bit sad but doesn't seem to affect him much, but I still think there's something mentally wrong with him :p which will become obvious in time.


So thanks for reading so far I will make sure I post at least once a day, stay tuned :)