Morning :D

I'm so happy because I am on holiday today :D so I'm going to chill at my PC with my pup all day and play warcraft-because I'm cool like that :p. My phone battery has died but I wish I could take a picture of my hair this morning because it is crrrraaazzzyyy! I think it was due to my dream last night...So I dreamt that I was in the desert with David Attenborough looking for animals and I found this animal that was half bird half bear and it was really nice and cuddly. So I found it and David got in a piss and wouldn't talk to me. So we got in the helicopter back to civilization and I got all the fame and glory for finding bird/bear thing :) haha take that David! Soo strange. Right time for breakfast, grapefruit and green tea...can you sense the joy? O.o thanks for visiting guys! 

Drank all the beer in the world last night....

Hungover. This is why I don't drink much...with the exception of last night 6 bottles of Corona, 4 bottles of Becks, 1 can of Carlsberg and 3 Jaeger Bombs + one insanely hot curry = drunk screeching and giggling, copious amounts of chain smoking, dancing like a loon, laughing at a guy in a club who looked like Emperor Ming from Flash Gordon, going to the park with a crate of Carlsberg and playing on the swings until the police kicked us out, and then walking home bare foot :). All in all bloody fantastic night :) 

*jess makes zombie noises*

mmmnnnnhhhrrrrgggahhhhrrrr thats how I feel this morning. Not much to report no dreams that were interesting kind of the dream equivalent of watching paint dry. So sat at work with rain hammering down feeling depressed because rain does that to you. If something more exciting happens throughout the day I'll make another post but I will leave you with 1) I'm going out to get trashed with new work people tomorrow so that will be a funny story to tell :) 2) I'm going to see the epitomy of awesomeness Laura on Sunday and that will definitely be a funny story to tell and finally 3) here's some example words from yesterday of what I type when I'm actually looking at funny stuff on the internet but want my manager to think I'm doing something:-


hello smelly lego bricks are tasty breathalyser tantalizing cake


Masterpiece isn't it? Peace out!


***UPDATE 12.07***


oh god I'm bored so I am writing more insane nonsense to make out I'm doing something, the last thing was hairy Magmore...what the hell is a Magmore? So I decided to make one, enjoy!

One night of uninterrupted sleep would be nice...

First off last nights weird dream before I forget it :P so I am in the shopping centre in town in Claire's accessories looking at buying a new bag, when I look out the window there's loads of other shoppers racing to get to the doors and screaming, so I walk slowly to the door and a little old woman dressed in white with long white hair goes to me "aren't you going to get out?", she walks off and I'm left there puzzled, I walk out of the door and I can feel something coming, I start to run and it starts to chase me I look behind me and it looks like wind (don't know how but it did lol), I rush through the doors to get outside and manage to just about escape it. Next thing I know I'm on my way to Cardiff to go party with one of mine and my boyfriend's friends Bear, we get their and the party is going good I go to get another drink and walk into the living room and no one is there...then the same old woman walks by me and says once again "aren't you going to get out?" this time I waste no time and start running through rooms climbing over bunk beds (no idea why bunk beds), crawling through vents trying to get out and all this time this weird invisible scary wind thing is after me...and I can't remember anything else, I kinda remember a talking mouse but have no idea how it fits in lol

So I went to sleep pretty early last night was shattered after work then the gym, my puppy fell asleep curled against my stomach all hunky dory. 

1st rude awakening: about 2 am puppy is barking madly at some drunken chavs outside my window, I sleepily stagger to the open window and go to shut it...whilst doing this one of the spiny things in our blind pierces savagely into my temple and has left me with a HUGE wound, please see below.

2nd rude awakening: about 3.30am hear unmistakeable sounds of puppy about to throw up next to my face...pick up puppy and drop onto the floor, hear him yack onto the floor, quickly pick him back up so he doesn't eat his own puke, both go back to sleep thinking Sam will clean it up in the morning :P

3rd Rude awakening: about 4am puppy starts snoring so I stop him the same way I stop Sam, elbow to the ribs puppy shuts up 

4th rude awakening: 5am puppy starts dreaming whilst flat on his back making sounds like a zebra..

7.30 have to wake up....shower, breakfast, and here I am sat at work feeling like this...

Morning Weirdness

So I have messed up dreams...which I tend to always remember as soon as I wake up so I'm doing an early blog so I can do this one justice :). So in my dream I'm looking after my satanistic half brother Jack. Satanistic why you ask? Well many things but when I had a broken foot he deliberately stamped with both feet on it...likes to call me fat ass or fat bitch and likes to tell my mum that his dad will kill her...so lovely child as I was saying...I was looking after him and being the good sister I am I decided to take him swimming but being satanistic Jack he was too much hard work but a nice life guard said he will look out for him if I want to go home...so I did haha obviously in my dream it is totally normal to leave a child with a strange man who could be a paedophile...anyyywayyy I walk home and then start chilling out with my friend Laura - who is the epitomy of awesomness and will be a big feature in my blogs :p - when suddenly a car pulled up outside which was full of my mum and her family (all psychopaths who I don't speak to any more so have no idea why I dreamed about them!) they were shouting at me to come out but me and Laura hid hahaha but then my mum just came through the door! Laura didn't bloody lock it did she lol then I woke up...so thanks Laura you could have killed or maimed me in my dream :P 


When I have strange dreams I tend to be in a weird haze in the mornings so I got up had my shower, let the Pug out and made us both breakfast. I was watching Hogan as he was eating his smelly food realising that's why his breath stank so bad, the trouble is you can only get dog toothpaste that tastes like chicken or something else that doesn't smell good. So I decided if I made dog toothpaste I would make a chocolate mint flavoured toothpaste so the dogs breath would be nice and fresh but they would also like it in their mouths...but then I decided I wanted chocolate mint toothpaste and wondered why nobody had invented this before! By then my Special K has done its magic and I wake up out of my strange haze, but as I'm sat at my desk at work I still think I'm on to a winner with this toothpaste thing, Dragon's Den here I come!!! :D

So it begins...

I wanted to start a blog for the main reasons for creative outlet, leaving a little bit of myself on the internest web, one step closer to immortality! But a strange thought occurred to me the other day..I have recently started a new job this is my 3rd week as an iMedia Telemarketing Executive for a web design (amongst other things) company and I still have no freaking clue what I'm doing, and I started to invent new ways of looking like I'm doing something when I'm actually reading Lamebook or playing games, I'm sure I will post about these soon. And I thought to myself "damn I'm weird and crazy, I think I should document this", so here I am, nobody probably wants to read any of this but I'm hoping I will be funny enough to at least make you smile once in a while :)


So introductions I'm Jess and I live with my boyfriend, our friend Tom and my wonderfully retarded Pug Hogan, most of my posts will be about him because he is simply hilarious and everyone wants to hear about cute retarded animals :). But on a serious note my pup has Hip Dysplasia and has to be on lots of meds, has to go to hydro etc he's only 9 months so it's a little bit sad but doesn't seem to affect him much, but I still think there's something mentally wrong with him :p which will become obvious in time.


So thanks for reading so far I will make sure I post at least once a day, stay tuned :)